By Bryan Ramos
uper Bowl Sunday, aka the greatest day of the year is finally upon us. After six months of football and numerous shots from President Chump directed at various NFL players, we’re down the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles, two of the most unbearable fan-bases on Earth.
I’m a fan of the Cowboys (I know, we’re shitty too), but as a fan of the game, I’m going to be happy for whichever team wins. What I’m NOT gon be happy for is a year of exhaustive trash-talking from dumb Boston or dirty Philly accents.
So I’m bout to drop some knowledge and get you ready for the big game with a little breakdown of all things Super Bowl, from the Xs & Os to the halftime performance (shoutout my guy Justin Timberlake) and end with Super Bowl Fantasy Food Rankings to make sure you got the best lineup on your menu today.
By now, we all know the New England Patriots. Ain’t nothing stopping the machine that’s led by Tom Brady and Bill Belichick and now they have the opportunity to go back-to-back, the first time a team would do so in 13 years since … you guessed it, the New England Patriots.
I know everybody thinks Brady is untouchable but things couldn’t be worse for the quarterback as he finds himself at the center of one of the biggest controversies in sports history entering Super Bowl Sunday: Kiss-gate.
I’m not saying Brady made out with his kid…but they practically reenacted the Spider-Man kiss. Crazy awkward. We’ll see if the Patriots can overcome the on-the-mouth, I mean off-the-field issues.
The Philadelphia Eagles have never won a Super Bowl and if there is any sort of God in this world, things will remain that way after today. The only chance the Eagles have is if they summon the power of Meek Mill’s ‘Dreams and Nightmares Intro’, #FreeMeek. I wish Carson Wentz was under center, but without him, they’re stuck with NickFolean Dynamite. Dude just looks like a dork.
I know he’s a Texas boy and I should root for him, but hell nah! I’m a Cowboy fan, man! I do, however, love the Philly defense. They’re solid on every level, especially with a front four that includes Chris Long and Fletcher Cox.
I think this game stays close. Philadelphia’s defense is good enough to keep them in the game and hold the Patriots offense, and I think their Head Coach Doug Pederson can work some magic to shred the soft New England defense. In the end, I think Brady, Belichick and the Patriots will have enough to get the job done. Eventually, the threat of Gronk, Brandin Cooks, (insert small, gritty slot receiver here), and a group of versatile backs will put up enough points to outlast the Eagles.
Official Pick: Patriots 27, Eagles 20
Super Bowl Festivities:
2004 me is, like, freaking out right now because Pink is singing the National Anthem and my guy Justin Timberlake is performing the halftime show.
I’m excited to see Pink sing the anthem, and I don’t give a damn if anybody kneels or protests, because that’s their damn right and I’m happy to see them do it and upset all the little snowflakes out there. I’m not going to say what I think Pink will do, but I love her, and I hope she kills it.
As for the halftime show, my guy Justin Timberlake is back for the first time since showing Janet Jackson’s nipple on one of the biggest stages there is. Hopefully there’s no nipples this time around, but if there are, hopefully it’s the person’s choice. I think Timberlake is gonna kill it the same way I killed my 7th grade talent show singing N’SYNC’s ‘Girlfriend Remix’ featuring Nelly, shoutout to my boy Fonzy. I’ve always had weird dreams of Justin Timberlake performing live and being attacked by a crazy fun and it turns out to be Britney Spears, don’t ask me why. If it happens, I didn’t have anything to do with it.
Fantasy Football Food Rankings:
1. Wings – Wings are the ultimate football food. You gotta get your hands dirty and display some grit, like an offensive linemen, who are the most important guys on the field (unbiased fact), which is why wings are at the top of my list.
2. Pizza – There’s absolutely no shame in coming in second place, especially when it’s pizza. There’s no losers when it comes to pizza. You can customize it however you want. Want to keep it classic? Go with some cheese and pepperoni…wanna be a freak who won’t be invited to my Super Bowl party? Get some anchovies and pineapple.
3. BBQ – BBQ would be number one if it didn’t require somebody manning the pit, preventing them from watching the game. As long as you show the cook some love and get it done before the game so they can enjoy the experience like the rest of you hungry savages, you’re golden. Mmmmm….I can smell y’all throwing down on the grill already.
4. Chips & Dip – Breaking free from the big three comes a side that can go from beginning to end of your Super Bowl party, chips & dip. Any chips are a good chip. You’re solid in my book. Most dips are good too…EXCEPT HUMMUS. THAT IS THE WORST THING EVER INVENTED AND PLEASE KEEP THAT THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
5. Nachos – You might say, “but you just put chips and d..” I don’t give a damn. Nachos are not chips and dip, they are their own entity and must be protected at all costs. Throw some jalapenos, sour cream, beans and whatever else you want on there, but remember, if all the nachos are stuck together, it still counts as one nacho.
6. Burgers – Back to the big boys, burgers are always a solid choice for any Super Bowl party. Just make sure it’s done right and you’ll be satisfied. You’re also a creep if you’re not lactose intolerant and don’t put cheese on your burger.
7. Hot Dogs – Hot Dogs are at the bottom of the list because what the hell is even in them? They’re good from time to time, but if you’re planning on spending your Super Bowl Sunday swallowing hotdogs, they’re gonna have to rename your Monday and Tuesday the First 48 ‘cause you’re gonna 1000% murder some toilets.
Well, that’s the what’s up with the what’s up on Super Bowl Sunday. Can’t wait to be drunk, full of food and start crying my eyes out during an emotional commercial, then trying to hide tears like, “I’m not crying, that was just a beautiful pass, leave me alone!” May the best team win.